America's Most Bipolar Food

     Page One Hundred-Thirteen.
     There's one food which is exceptionally satisfying and glorious when done properly, yet atrocious and proof of the devil's existance when done poorly. Only one. No other food item runs to the extremes as this one particular thing. Most foods, if they're inherently tasty are never truly awful, even when done badly. Conversely, no matter how well you cook, there are certain items which simply cannot be redeemed.
     An example of an item which is virtually impossible to ruin is mint chocolate chip ice cream. I've never in my life had a lousy scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream. That's all there is too it. Likewise, it's absolutely impossible to make a good version of vegan meatloaf. I mean, why do they even bother trying? It always ends up tasting like ground up Tyrannosaurus Rex bones. But back to my point, there's only one item which can be so good or so bad, depending upon the mood of the universe.
     When I was little my mother would sometimes treat us to hot pretzels when we went shopping. There was a pretzel stand in one of my mothers favorite stores and often when we went there we'd end up with a pretzel or three. This was during the 1960's and I loved them. That store eventually took the stand down and I didn't really miss the pretzels that much, mostly because I didn't think about them. Then at some point in the '80's hot pretzel began appearing in malls and at concert/sport venues. I'd occasionally treat myself to one and that's when I noticed how schizophrenic those things can be. Only every once in a while were they actually good. Most often they were okay and occasionally they were so bad that I literally threw them out for fear of death by pretzel poisoning. How can one item be so bipolar?
     I think that part of the problem is that these companies really put their money and research into the toppings. If you dump enough stuff (such as: plastic cheese sauce) onto a pretzel, then you don't really taste the pretzel. Meanwhile, you get to charge more money for the plastic cheese sauce. So they don't really care about the quality of the pretzel. Also, if the pretzel's been hanging in the little warming oven for too long, it begins to develop the taste and texture of an old sleeper-sofa. It just isn't delicious. And then, sometimes, it's covered all over in goo. There's one company which is famous for coating their pretzels with "butter". First of all, who knows what they're actually coating it with and second of all, see my previous comment. If the dough is really good: moist, chewy yet tender, etc. then no coating or topping is needed.
     I think that I consistently get my worst hot pretzels at arenas and nightlife events though. I don't know why I keep buying them? It's because I'm an eternal romantic optimist, that's why. Hoping, always hoping... But I'll tell you, those things are bad, they're just awful. In this case, see my reason: "sitting too long in warming oven". They're just dead. Dead I tell you. Dead. They should be buried in the backyard underneath the apple tree.
     About one month ago, a good friend treated me to a play downtown. Now, I'm not going to say too much about the play itself because it would be negative. You see, I'm to the point in my life where I've seen so many extraordinary plays, orchestra concerts, dance performances, rock shows and so forth that when I see one which is sub-par, I'm particularly disappointed and curse the universe for stealing three hours of my life. But I enjoyed spending time with my friend and I appreciated her treating me to what she thought would be a wonderful evening. During intermission, I took my life in my hands and purchased a hot pretzel, Lord help me. Well, let me tell you, that was one of the best, if not the best, hot pretzel I've ever had in my life. May Shirley Temple strike me down if I'm lying. It was glorious: fresh, tender, flavorful, salty, hot. In a word: perfection. So it ended up okay that the universe ripped me off of three hours of my life. That horrible play was worth it for that spectacular pretzel.
     I'm eating a hot pretzel right now while writing. It's one of those frozen things in a box from the grocery store. It sucks too, but at least it didn't cost $5.00 and look wonderful hanging in a warming oven. And, it was warm, what a concept. Tough, but warm.