One Way To get More Hot Preztels

     Page One Hundred Fifty-Five.
     Here's my biggest problem in life right now. How do I get more hot pretzels from Playhouse Square without actually attending a show in one of the theaters?
     Last Friday evening I attended a glorious show at the Palace Theater and prior to the curtain rising, I naturally treated myself to a hot pretzel. Now, I've written in this blog before, numerous times, about Playhouse Square's hot pretzels, but last Friday's was particularly God-like. I was about to cry for the LSD-like euphoria, gratitude, emotion and profound thankfulness I was experiencing. While eating, I truly felt what it was like to win a new car on The Price Is Right. And, I began thinking right then and there that I really deserve hot pretzels more often than just when I attend a show. Granted, I've been attending shows regularly for the last few months, but I don't have anything planned now for the foreseeable future. How will I get through?
     Here's my devious plan. There are something like nine (?) stages/theaters at Playhouse Square. All these stages are within about four hundred feet of each other. (You'd have to see it to believe it. The combined seating is about 10,000.) Most of the theaters are on one side of Euclid Avenue but not all. Now here's the scoop... I think that the Ohio and State Theaters have their concessions outside the ticket-takers. All the other theaters have their food inside the ticket-takers realm, I'm pretty sure. So, in theory, when I get a serious craving, I can simply hop on down there (a 15 minute drive) and sneak into the lobbies of said Ohio or State and chow down. The only conflict might arise if there's no live performance of one type or another in those theaters when I'm dying for some doughy goodness. I envision that to be a rare occurrence though.
     I'm telling you, they're that good. At least to me. I recognize that everybody has their own taste, but I think these things are heavenly. 
     By the way, The show I went to last Friday was a retrospective of Big Band dance music of the World War Two era. I was surrounded by people who were really ancient. I'm sure they were wondering why some guy was moaning and groaning while sitting and eating his stinkin' hot pretzel. (I admit that I really was doing my best imitation of Sally from the movie "When Harry Met Sally". I'm sure you know the scene I'm referring to...)

Mmmmmm... Yummy...

Cleveland's Playhouse Square

     Page One Hundred-Seventeen.
     Well, it's official: there's one spot in downtown Cleveland where I can purchase a good hot pretzel.
     On page one hundred-thirteen of this blog I wrote about my displeasure with the current state of  affairs concerning contemporary, American, hot pretzels. However, I mentioned that I did eat a good one recently while downtown at a performance. Well, it happened again at the same location. So, I think I've hit on something here.
     Playhouse Square is here in Cleveland, downtown, at the intersection of East Fourteenth Street and Euclid Avenue. It's a conglomeration of about eight or nine stages with over ten thousand seats. It's the largest theater complex in America outside of Lincoln Center in New York City. The buildings and primary stages were all built in the 1920's at the height of the "movie palace" era though some were intended to be Vaudeville houses, too. The theaters had a great run until the late '60's when they began loosing customers to the suburbs. Then, fires and vandals were a real threat to the buildings and there was serious talk of tearing the buildings down.
     The Playhouse Square Association, a non-profit group, was formed in the early '70's to purchase and save the buildings and stages. Over the next twenty years, The Playhouse Square Association was extremely successful in their renovations and marketing of the venues. So nowadays, you can go down and see visiting Broadway musical productions, dance, Shakespeare, student theater, avante-garde theater, the occasional Rock show, you name it. (One of my brothers tells the story of how he saw the Doors at Playhouse Square in 1968.) Almost any evening of the year you can go down and see two, three or four different wonderful things. Well... maybe not quite that much all the time, but often it really is that much.
     So, right now, and for the next two weeks, they're showing classic movies at the Palace Theater. Last Thursday at the opening night of the 16th annual "Cinema at the Square" they showed Grease. And, not only that, but it was a Grease sing-a-long, with all the lyrics superimposed onto the screen. The Palace is huge, a few thousand seats, and it was packed. It was too fun for words and they served a great hot pretzel.
     I was down at Playhouse Square a few weeks ago when I got the other really great hot pretzel, too. So I think I've hit a gold mine for good hot pretzels. (The play I saw a few weeks ago was awful, but the evening was glorious because of the wonderful pretzel.)  On Sunday, August 11th, at 2PM, I'll be back down there to see Who Framed Roger Rabbit? I can't wait for that hot pretzel!
     (Actually, I have quite a history with the Palace Theater. In the 1990's I was an extra in Cleveland Ballet's version of The Nutcracker for five or six years. So I was on that stage many times. Then in the late-90's I was once in charge of decorating the Palace lobby for a benefit party. It's a stunning, opulent theater. These are two separate stories that I'll share sometime.)

America's Most Bipolar Food

     Page One Hundred-Thirteen.
     There's one food which is exceptionally satisfying and glorious when done properly, yet atrocious and proof of the devil's existance when done poorly. Only one. No other food item runs to the extremes as this one particular thing. Most foods, if they're inherently tasty are never truly awful, even when done badly. Conversely, no matter how well you cook, there are certain items which simply cannot be redeemed.
     An example of an item which is virtually impossible to ruin is mint chocolate chip ice cream. I've never in my life had a lousy scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream. That's all there is too it. Likewise, it's absolutely impossible to make a good version of vegan meatloaf. I mean, why do they even bother trying? It always ends up tasting like ground up Tyrannosaurus Rex bones. But back to my point, there's only one item which can be so good or so bad, depending upon the mood of the universe.
     When I was little my mother would sometimes treat us to hot pretzels when we went shopping. There was a pretzel stand in one of my mothers favorite stores and often when we went there we'd end up with a pretzel or three. This was during the 1960's and I loved them. That store eventually took the stand down and I didn't really miss the pretzels that much, mostly because I didn't think about them. Then at some point in the '80's hot pretzel began appearing in malls and at concert/sport venues. I'd occasionally treat myself to one and that's when I noticed how schizophrenic those things can be. Only every once in a while were they actually good. Most often they were okay and occasionally they were so bad that I literally threw them out for fear of death by pretzel poisoning. How can one item be so bipolar?
     I think that part of the problem is that these companies really put their money and research into the toppings. If you dump enough stuff (such as: plastic cheese sauce) onto a pretzel, then you don't really taste the pretzel. Meanwhile, you get to charge more money for the plastic cheese sauce. So they don't really care about the quality of the pretzel. Also, if the pretzel's been hanging in the little warming oven for too long, it begins to develop the taste and texture of an old sleeper-sofa. It just isn't delicious. And then, sometimes, it's covered all over in goo. There's one company which is famous for coating their pretzels with "butter". First of all, who knows what they're actually coating it with and second of all, see my previous comment. If the dough is really good: moist, chewy yet tender, etc. then no coating or topping is needed.
     I think that I consistently get my worst hot pretzels at arenas and nightlife events though. I don't know why I keep buying them? It's because I'm an eternal romantic optimist, that's why. Hoping, always hoping... But I'll tell you, those things are bad, they're just awful. In this case, see my reason: "sitting too long in warming oven". They're just dead. Dead I tell you. Dead. They should be buried in the backyard underneath the apple tree.
     About one month ago, a good friend treated me to a play downtown. Now, I'm not going to say too much about the play itself because it would be negative. You see, I'm to the point in my life where I've seen so many extraordinary plays, orchestra concerts, dance performances, rock shows and so forth that when I see one which is sub-par, I'm particularly disappointed and curse the universe for stealing three hours of my life. But I enjoyed spending time with my friend and I appreciated her treating me to what she thought would be a wonderful evening. During intermission, I took my life in my hands and purchased a hot pretzel, Lord help me. Well, let me tell you, that was one of the best, if not the best, hot pretzel I've ever had in my life. May Shirley Temple strike me down if I'm lying. It was glorious: fresh, tender, flavorful, salty, hot. In a word: perfection. So it ended up okay that the universe ripped me off of three hours of my life. That horrible play was worth it for that spectacular pretzel.
     I'm eating a hot pretzel right now while writing. It's one of those frozen things in a box from the grocery store. It sucks too, but at least it didn't cost $5.00 and look wonderful hanging in a warming oven. And, it was warm, what a concept. Tough, but warm.