Michael Jackson In Concert - A Review

     Page Two Hundred Forty-Four.

      Now there's talk of an Michael Jackson hologram concert tour?  Is this true? I hope I only heard the newest urban legend. I realize that people are so desperate for him they really would pay to see something like that, but I think it would be creepy and gross. If promoters are going to do something like that, than is a hologram concert tour of, say, Al Jolson far behind? After all, Jolson is considered possibly the greatest entertainer of the 20th century, regardless of genre of era. But why stop there? How about Frank Sinatra, John Lennon or Billie Holiday? I mean, come on. Really people. Just come on.
     I saw MJ live in concert twice. First in '84 at the old Cleveland Browns Stadium on the Victory tour with his brothers and then again in '88 at the old Richfield Coliseum where he performed solo. I suppose that's why I'm able to sleep soundly at night. I simply saw my MJ needs met.
     The '88 concert was the night prior to a mid-term and I did the only logical thing: I brought my books and notes with me and studied at the show. It made perfect sense to me. After all, I knew that he'd have some ridiculous magician as his opening act. He always did. So, during Houdini's act, I studied. (Now there's someone I'd see live in hologram, Harry Houdini.) Everybody sitting around me was staring, too. But as people stared, pointed their fingers and laughed I simply explained my mid-term the next day and they all wished me luck. I'm not making any of this up, either. That Introduction to Mass Communications mid-term would go on to become the first "A" that I'd ever receive on a mid-term or final. So there!!!
     Michael Jackson live in concert - solo, rating: 10/10.
     Victory Tour: 9/10. (Staging and theatrics just a tad too dippy for my taste.) 

A Chili Trick

     Page Two Hundred Forty-Three.

     The next time you make chili, add a dab of dark chocolate to it. Just a touch. It'll be great. WOW!!!

Quito. Chapter 9. Watch Out

     Page Two Hundred Forty-Two.
     The next afternoon, Quito and the kids went to the recently completed, beautiful, shiny, new Shaker Heights police station to report the situation of the evening prior. They were glad to see that all those parking tickets their neighborhood police officers handed out went to such a good cause as this grand building.
     They told the police everything... the entire story.
     "She sure does sound like a spoiled brat", said Officer O'Grady.
     "And it still hurts like a son-of-a-gun", said Thomas while gently pulling back the Scooby-Doo design band-aid and showing his battle injury to the policeman. Officer O'Grady looked at it and promptly threw-up all over his over-sized, oak desk as he was sensitive to the sight of any skin abnormality.  He'd obviously had chili dressed with extra sharp cheddar cheese for lunch. in fact, his throw-up sort of matched his desk. The sight of his throw-up then made Jackson throw-up all over the purple and red Persian rug because he was sensitive to the sight of anybody doing anything gross. But Jackson only had a bowl of Froot Loops for his mid-day meal so at least his vomit was colorful.
     The five of them proceeded to walk home after helping to clean up the desk and carpet of officer O'Grady. The cleaning job was disgusting but had to be done and Quito and all the kids felt obliged to help out. As they were walking up sumptuous, luxurious Shaker Boulevard toward home, the sun was shining down on them with bright, orange-yellow warmth; the sky was the same sweet blue as a blue raspberry popsicle; up above a couple of strawberry red-chested robins were having a singing contest like they were on Ted Mack's Amateur Hour and four houses in a row had their lawns being worked on as the smell of newly shaved grass was fresh and green. Meanwhile everybody was busy looking around discussing all the stunning homes which punctuated the street.
     "I see the influence of the Beaux Arts movement on this home", said Thomas.
     "I must respectfully disagree with you", responded baby Jordan. "This is clearly an example of the French Normandy style of architecture. Just look at that steep roof line."
     "You're a tinkle-monster!", snarled Thomas.
     Just then, William yelled "WATCH OUT QUITO!" as he spied an open manhole in the middle of the sidewalk. But it was too late. Quito, who'd been walking a few paces ahead of everybody, disappeared down the cavern. Then, immediately the kids saw a set of arms come up from the hole, reach over to the cover which was laying next to the opening and close the tunnel. It all happened so fast, it was lickety-split. Before they knew it, Quito was gone. Simply outta here.
     Jackson, always the clearheaded one, immediately said "He's been kidnapped! Miss Villain has kidnapped him." We better go back to the police right now.
     "With great haste", added Thomas
     "Grody, dude. This lady's totally uncool", uttered William.
     Continued next week... Quito. Chapter 10. Wanda's Hide-Out

Godzilla - A Movie Review

     Page Two Hundred Forty-One.

     I LOVE monster movies. Godzilla's got to be the coolest Earth-based monster in history. I mean, a 60,000,000 year old dino who doesn't look a day over 40? He must have a great plastic surgeon.
     I recently watched a DVD of a version of Godzilla, but not named Godzilla. It was called, "The Giant Behemoth". It was a British movie from '56 and it really wasn't half bad, though clearly a rip-off of the G. myth. (I'd give that movie a 6/10 for what it's worth. It had some intelligence, plot development and sympathetic special effects.)
     Dinosaur movies pre-date G. but he really put them on the map. In fact, dino movies go way back to silent film. But what's distinctive of Godzilla era movies, is that they bring the dino into the present day and world. Prior to the '50's, dinos lived in their own context. Humans were the ones to invade their world; such as you find in 1933's King Kong or 1925's The Lost World. (I fully realize that both of those examples illustrate a contemporary world, but the dino's world is isolated and self-contained none-the-less.) Godzilla changed all that and with such a wonderful device: nuclear power. And it makes sense that Japan invented this now ubiquitous plot point, being Earth's only true-life recipient of atomic warfare. So really, any solo dinosaur run-a-muck flick made since the mid '50's is simply a retelling of a now familiar story, with little deviation from established story lines. The question then becomes: how well was it executed?
     I'd heard that the new Godzilla movie has some originality in that you really get a closer glimpse of the victims. That's true. Also the effects really are stunning and brother do you see some cities get destroyed or what? Tokyo, Honolulu, Las Vegas and San Francisco get demolished, just flattened. That's cool. The story is vaguely plausible though there were some plot points I didn't quite get, but really, I don't need to. It's Godzilla for crying out loud...
     So I'll ignore the fact that this Godzilla seems to be the largest dino-dude in movie history. Which brings up a problem that only science geeks, like myself, care about. Gravity. No moving creature that size could actually move about on land because earth's gravitational force would be so extreme he'd simply not be able to lift himself. And/or if he could get up his legs would get crushed, literally under his weight. A dinosaur's design simply prevents him from getting that size.
     Tyrannosaurus Rex was 40 feet long and 13 feet high at the hips. Apatosaurus (Brontosaurus) was 70-90 feet log and 15 feet high at the hips. In this new movie G. seems like he's a few hundred feet long and 60-70-80 feet high at he hips. It's impossible to get that big with Earth's gravity being what it is. This is also why spiders can't get as big as they sometimes are shown in scary spider movies. Their design prevents them from getting larger than a common tarantula. They would collapse if they got to the size of, say, a 3 month old kitten. Their legs would be crushed by their body's weight. But really, nobody cares about things like gravity. Oh, well.
     Godzilla's rating: 7/10.  

Those Pesky Bills

     Page Two Hundred Forty.
     So the new job at the museum is going well. The pay is quite questionable but the job is really great (3 weeks in anyhow). I feel valued and like I'm in my element. It's kind of weird how many people walk in whom I know. Probably 4-6 people per week appear and say, "Jeremy, what in the world are you doing here? When did you start working here?" And then we chat for a while. Or, I simply start talking with customers about absolutely nothing. Being on the sales staff at the museum store, I guess I'm fulfilling my job duties (but really, I'm just talking and talking and talking.) I feel good about it and think that down the road, there's the possibility of a move to another department with more hours, responsibility and money. Optimism is in the air on that front.
     (I know that retail has a bad reputation because customers are considered meanies by store clerks. But on my first day my boss pointed out that at the museum customers are happy because they're all on mini vacations. Really, our clientele appear to have all taken many anti-depressants prior to arriving in the store.)
     At the beauty salon however, things are unfortunate. In moving locations, February, '13, we lost about 60% of our clients. (I came on board as the salon manager the day we opened in the new location.) I'm afraid that we've continued to have a variety of other issues, i.e. staffing, marketing/advertising and so forth. I'm thinking that it won't be wise for me to stick around too much longer as the earlier someone got off the Titanic the safer they were. (If Jack and Rose had jumped into a lifeboat, they might still be alive today.) The owner of the salon is a long time friend. But really, sometimes you simply have to pay bills.
   Which brings up the question: okay.. so what now? I'm someone who's notorious for constantly throwing many darts at various boards and just through the law of averages some darts hit. I'm also better at juggling multiple part-time jobs than working one at 40 hours. Right now, I'm stoking the fires on 5 or 6 completely unrelated job opportunities, hoping that they'll net some income in a year or two. But in the meantime, gotta pay those bills somehow...
     I've decided to start listing myself on a national nanny service website (Care.com). I've always been hesitant to do that as "word of mouth" is my close friend. But I LOVE nannying and cooking for kids and their parents and the phone simply isn't ringing right now. That phone got my bills paid sufficiently from 2006 when I left the nursing home industry until 2013. But right now... nothing. Notta. So I guess I need to get aggressive and proactive.
     The reason I've always preferred word of mouth is because I'm a male and historically that does throw people, let's be honest. When I was a live-in nanny for the two different families from '82-'84 then again from '86-93 it positively shocked people. And the only job I went after initially was the first one in '82. But that family, who's blood was bluer than the Danube, by the way, were amused by this guy who responded to their ad and the rest is history*. There are many more male child-care workers nowadays which I find refreshing. But there is still a certain amount of eyebrow raising that goes on and subsequently I do feel a bit uncomfortable.
     I'm not a child molester, I promise.
     And that's really what it comes down to. I will corrupt, Lord knows. I'll teach a 6 year old poker, I'll show a 9 year old how to sneak candy into a movie theater, I'll tell many stories about diarrhea and I'll disregard bedtimes, but that's about the caliber of my naughtiness.Nothing worse.
     So... wish me luck as I attempt to find a new part-time nanny position. Unless the phone rings of it's own volition.
    

     *I met the first family in spring '82 through an ad I saw at the off-campus housing bureau of Case Western Reserve. Later that summer I distributed 400 flyers in local front doors advertising myself to do odd jobs. One job I received that autumn was babysitting a family with 3 boys on the next street over. They invited me to move in, an invitation I declined because I was already taken. In mid-'83, the first family told me they'd sold the house and were moving. I then called that second family and moved in with them, staying a year 'till August '84. I proceeded to live in another situation for two years while working full-time doing hair. When I decided to resume college in '86, I moved back in with the boys and stayed 'till the twins graduated and were off to college, a year after I graduated. (I had to have been the world's first live-in nanny.) The End. 

Lady Gaga in Concert - A Review

     Page Two Hundred Thirty-Nine.
     I recently attended Lady Gaga's concert at Quicken Loans Arena. I'd seen her before; it was about
3 years ago or so. Back then I remember thinking that she spoke with the audience a lot. I mean a lot-lot. And I do have a certain frame of reference here. Back in the day I saw tons 'o concerts.
     During my college days I went to many shows; I saw most of the big pop acts of the '80's. I attended few metal concerts but I also saw many shows which were outside the realm of pop. Just know that I went to copious amounts of big shows. I think I never saw anybody who was as chatty as Gaga was a few years ago.
     In 2011, '12, or whenever it was, I figured her talking was simply to kill time. She really didn't have a lot of hits yet, but was already selling out arenas. She got so big so fast that she needed to do something to keep people in their seats and singing hit after hit wasn't a possibility. So, talk, talk, talk was her padding I guessed.
     I'm telling you that a few days ago she did the exact same thing, 5-6-7 hits later. But, in the meantime, she didn't sing all her pop singles, so the show was about the same length. She clearly has confidence too, if she's willing to forgo singing all the hits just to chat when she's still relatively early into her career.
     When I think about acts like: The Cars, Prince or Aretha Franklin who barely said "Boo!" to the audience and compare them to Gaga who'd apparently be content to just sit and talk for 2 hours, it's kind of amazing that they're in the same profession at all. But the talking aside, she has a strong ability to entertain and connect with the audience. Isn't that's what it comes down to? She really is a good show-person. I give her concert a 9/10. 

Quito. Chapter Eight. Miss Villain's First Form Of Revenge.

     Page Two Hundred Thirty-Eight.
     "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR COTTEN-PICKIN' MIND?" scream-arfed Quito. "Are you trying to burn down the house? Why would you set off fireworks so close to people? Don't you realize how dangerous that is? You're nothing but a crazy fool!"
     The four kids were huddled behind Quito, with baby Jordan wrapping herself in his bushy, black and white tail. As much as the fireworks really were beautiful, the kids were scared by the unexpected noise, black burn marks on the ground and closeness of the sparks. They realized that there really is a reason why adults consider fireworks and firecrackers dangerous.They could smell the smokey, burning gunpowder and decaying scorched grass; and it was difficult to see through the hazy fog of muddy, swirling clouds. The fireworks continued still.
     "Let me tell you something, Mister Quito", woofed Wanda. "I want what I want, when I want, where I want and how I want. And you can't stop me." Now are you going to come and be my spokesdog or aren't you. And before you answer,  just know this: if you say no, these fireworks will seem like child's play compared to some of the things I'll do to you and you family. So you think long and hard. Now, what's your answer. Tell me immediately."
     "NO! And if you know what's good for you, you'll forget about this whole idea before it's too late. You can't threaten me." Quito was strangely calm. He could feel the kids shaking with fear. But he didn't even raise his bark this time. He wasn't the least bit scared of his foe. He believed she was just a spoiled brat collie who's never learned how to receive a "no you can't" with grace when she was a child. Now as an adult collie she was mean to anybody who didn't do what she wanted. And she probably didn't have any friends as a result.
     But Quito knew how to handle a dog like this. She needed to be put in her place with no compromise. He knew that she'd do many mean things to him too. But he didn't care. He knew that he had the power and strength to fight back and protect his family.
     All of a sudden a flying ash flew down and landed squarely on Thomas's arm and started sizzling. He started crying because the pain was so severe. The other three kids soothed him and ran and got some ice to put on the small blister. Wanda just smiled with smug satisfaction. She hated children and was happy whenever one was harmed or injured. 
     Quito growled and bared his teeth. He was drooling with anger. He lunged toward Wanda and clamped his teeth around her front right leg and bit down hard. "Don't you ever show your fur around here ever again" he barked after letting go. Wanda was stunned. She was bleeding, but not badly.
     "Oh, now you'll really be sorry", Wanda barked while glaring at him. She limped back to her Duesenberg and her chauffeur drove off.
     Quito tended to Thomas's wound and put everybody to sleep.
Continued next week... Chapter 9. Watch Out.  

A T-Shirt/Food Truck?

     Page Two Hundred Thirty-Seven.
     I have a very good friend, Gabe, who's attempting to start up a new business. He's a t-shirt designer/printer who wants to expand and sell his wares out of his own food truck which will park at arts festivals around Cleveland. He's working on his business plan right now and hopes to have investments from established local restaurants who will in turn have him sell their t-shirts (which are also his designs). Besides t-shirts he'll sell coffee, pastries from local joints and my soup (I'd also be doing his blog and some PR). He's joining forces with "Cleveland Is My Paris" a concept I've written about before in this blog and which has been mentioned in The New York Ties. Additionally, he wants to align himself with other Cleveland travel destination services so he can be a part of the quickly growing Cleveland tourism industry.
     Luke, the creator of Cleve/Paris and Gabe are good friends and if Gabe can bring him in, which he thinks he can, this would be fantastic. It's extremely original and the truck would start rolling in spring '15. In the meantime, Gabe (26) and Christen (25) are getting married in a few months, so he has his hands full. Youthful optimism is always entertaining and if this comes to fruition it could mean some actual money for everyone involved. I wish him luck. (Heck... it could mean a good gig for me down the road. I wouldn't mind.) 

Neighbors - A Movie Review

     Page Two Hundred Thirty-Six.
     I recently went to see the movie, Neighbors. Boy was I disappointed. It got a 76 on Rotten Tomatoes and according to the reviews I though for sure that it would make me laugh hysterically. It didn't.
     First off, let me say that it's very easy to make me laugh. The only things which are difficult for me to sit through are stupid or dumb humor (Green Acres, Gomer Pyle USMC) or humor based in miscommunication or misunderstanding (Three's Company). Otherwise, I thought that I could sit through any comedy and enjoy it. Now, at this stage in life, I'm discovering a third genre of comedy which grates on my nerves: vengeance, revenge or spite based comedy. Guess what? The plot of the movie Neighbors is based completely on this highly unattractive human emotion. There were some funny concepts, don't get me wrong, but I kept waiting for the hysteria to start and it never did. Too bad. And I like Seth Rogen and Zack Efron too. I give this move a 3/10.  

Old Friends

     Page Two Hundred Thirty-Five.
     I really enjoy seeing old friends. Blacky was my best college-era friend but we've mostly lost touch over the years. We talked a few years ago after I ran into his sister and she gave me his phone number. I knew he was living in Florida with his wife and 3 kids and that he's doing well. I'd been thinking about him a few weeks ago and went to call him again but couldn't locate the number. By coincidence, I ran into his parents a couple of days ago at the museum. (His mom recognized me before I recognized her. How embarrassing.) They gave me his number again. I hope this one doesn't get lost.
     Then, I recently received a phone call from another college-era friend, Michelle, who said that she and her husband, Mark were coming into town and wanted to get together. We had dinner together last night. It really is great to see people whom I have such and old history with.
     Michelle and Mark are both anesthesiologists who've had to take very early retirement due to the fact that they're both sick physically. They're in their mid-40's and will very likely never be able to work again. Can you believe that? I feel terrible for them. They won't have any financial problems as they've stashed and saved and lived beneath their means for the duration of their respective careers, and also they have no kids. But they're quite limited as to what they can or can't do with their copious levels of free time. Their illnesses restrict their activities tremendously. They'll also relocate to Vancouver from Las Vegas due to the excessive heat, which she can no longer tolerate. They'll likely live averaged length lives, but doing what for the next 30-35 years? 
     When I phone Blacky he'll probably be himself. He's always the same and I know that. Also, if there was any really big news about him or his family, his mom would have told me.
     Funny story about my relationship with Blacky... I'm the person who told him that he was going to be a father the first time. True story.
     It must've been around 1990 or '91 and we'd been friends for 5, 6 or 7 years. I was the staff hairdresser at a local adolescent drug treatment center and by chance he was a counselor there. I was also very good friends with his girlfriend, Maggie, whom I'd met through him. The three of us went out on a Monday night and she told me that she was late and they thought she might be pregnant but weren't sure. So, that Wednesday I came home from school to find a message on my answering machine. "I am", she sobbed. She wasn't sad just nervous. I didn't have time to return her phone call as I was rushing to the treatment center to do hair.
     As I walked into the center, Blacky walked past me and I said, "congratulations". He smiled, said, "thanks", and walked on about his way. I gave a few haircuts and when I was done, went looking for my buddy. I found him sitting, eating dinner. I got some food also, sat down and asked him "what's the plan, now?"
     "What are you talking about?"
     "The baby."
     "What baby?"
     "Maggie's pregnant with your baby."
     "WHAT?!?!"
     "You haven't spoken with her?"
     "No. I've been in meetings all day. I saw she called me a bunch of times, but I haven't had the time to call her back."
     "Well, she called to tell you she was pregnant. Why did you think I said congratulations when I first walked in?"
     "I just figure you were being weird, as usual."
     "I wasn't being weird. I was congratulating you on being a father next spring."
     "Oh. Well, thanks."
     "Oh my God. You're such an idiot."
     Completely true story, I promise. I don't know if he remembers that I'm the one who told him the big news, but with the Lord as my witness, that is how it happened. They got married a few months later. I was one of the groomsmen and walked down the aisle with his sister whom I adored. Some years later he told me that I should've been his best man. That was a very nice thing to say, but I didn't question the fact that Steve was his best man as they'd been very close since kindergarten.
    They're in their upper 40's now, have been married for over 20 years and have the 3 kids. I think they're still very happy, if maybe a touch bored as they've been together since the 7th grade.
     I'm looking forward to getting caught up with him.

Quito. Chapter 7. The Fireworks Begin.

     Page Two Hundred Thirty-Four.
     It was all the five of them could do all that day was talk about the nut-job which was Miss Wanda Villain. "I think she's a real narcissist", declared Jordan at approximately 11.42 & 77 seconds that night. "And those bracelets. They were too flashy and there were far too many for my taste."
     "I don't think she was wearing too many bracelets. But it may have looked better if she'd gone with just one large, heavy bangle on only one leg", responded Jackson. "Sometimes less is more."
     "Will you two please talk about the bigger problem here?" Arfed Quito. Honestly, the way you both are always talking fashion, I'd think I was working in the offices of Vogue Magazine."
     Just that second, the song Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy by the Andrews Sisters came on the radio and they all loved it so much they started singing and dancing. In fact, they looked a little bit like the kids dancing around in the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. Then when that song ended, they hit the jackpot: Glenn Miller's In The Mood came on, followed by Don't Fear The Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult and then the radio DJ played the ENTIRE soundtrack from Grease. Thomas popped some popcorn, poured on the melted, hot butter and sprinkled it with freshly grated Parmesan cheese, paprika, sea salt and just a touch of sugar. Then Quito made cranberry cream spritzers with cranberry juice and cream soda. It was real party. The weight of the day was melting off everybody's shoulders.
     POW! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!! BAM!!! Suddenly, there was such a clatter of light and sound outside, you would've thought that every tree within 100 feet had fallen over, and pulled down every electrical line with it. They rushed to the front picture window, pushed aside the red, satin drapes and the golden sheer curtains and peered out. They saw Independence Day style fireworks going off on their front lawn. There were enormous, glittery, red flowers in the sky. There were twinkling, yellow sparkles flashing and falling to the ground. There were dazzling, bright, green and blue bursts of glossy buds blooming over their house. And there was the husky, dusty gray smell of smoky gunpowder.
     "WHAT IN THE...?!?!", exclaimed William in the loudest voice he could muster at this late hour.
     "Get used to it you kids and Quito", woofed a voice they'd heard earlier that day.
Continued next week... Chapter 8. Miss Villain's First Form Of Revenge.

A New Job

     Page Two Hundred Thirty-Three.
     I have a new job. Yeah! I'll be working part time in the Cleveland Museum of Art gift shop. In the words of one close friend, "this is a no-brainer". I'm looking forward to it. This job, in conjunction with managing the beauty salon, plus all the other things I do for kicks should bring my bank account off life support systems. I recently told a friend that I don't mind living at the Cleveland, Ohio poverty level, but I'm uncomfortable living at the Afghanistan poverty level.
     After my job unexpectedly ended last June (2013) nannying and cooking for the large family in Shaker, I got a few nibbles here and there. There was the job cooking for the kid and lots of odd jobs like interior painting, selling soup at festivals and what have you. And of course there's my thriving dog/cat/house-sitting business. But really, I need a more regular paycheck. I'm hopeful.

Cher, Live In Concert

     Page Two Hundred Thirty-Two.
     I saw Cher in concert recently. It was a memorable evening for a variety of reasons. I've written
previously that Cleveland's Playhouse Square was getting ready for a massive grand redesign with new signs, marquees, archways and lighting. A fireworks-festooned grand unveiling was to take place on Friday evening May 2nd, the same night as Cher's concert at Quicken Loans Arena. Also, the Indians were playing at Progressive Field simultaneously. All three events occurred within 1/2 mile of each other. All day long, local radio and TV was urging people to have multiple contingency plans for driving routes and parking. Brother, they weren't kidding.
     I remember downtown Cleveland in the '80's and '90's. It was a barren wasteland of old, decrepit, rundown buildings and lots of available parking. Those days are long ago. Now, all those buildings have been renovated and turned into upscale housing, offices, restaurants, stores and who knows what else? Subsequently, there's no longer a surplus of parking, darn it. (In the '80's and '90's I used to go dancing, often, at the few but fantastic bars which were down there.) Friday night's traffic and parking problems reminded me of Manhattan. It was incredible. It really felt like I was driving to Madison Square Garden to see her. But knowing downtown as I do and being assertive as I am, I did find a decent spot and while walking to the arena, took a long-cut through Playhouse Square during that party. The new decor really is cool.
     Now about Cher, She's Cher. What more can I say? Who knows if this really will be her final tour
so I just wanted to see her in concert, just this once. There was incredible staging, sets, costumes and so forth. However, she was a little distant and remote for my taste, but that's her reputation. Her opening act was Cyndi Lauper who was just the opposite, very warm and open in spite of no sets or costumes to speak of. If judged separately, Cyndi gets 8/10 and Cher gets 8/10 for completely different reasons. Don't ever miss either one of them in concert if given the opportunity. 

What Are Tea And Crumpets?

     Page Two Hundred Thirty-One.
     We occasionally hear the phrase "tea and crumpets". But what does it mean exactly? Well, tea is tea. No explanation needed there. Crumpets, a traditional British isles item, are not as well known in America.
     Imagine extra-thick pancakes which aren't as wide across as those you get when you go out for breakfast; there you have crumpets. They also have many holes and bubbles, similar to an English muffin. But they're not dry like those delicacies. Instead they're quite moist and spongy. Speaking of muffins, crumpets are typically eaten as a muffin, not a breakfast food with knife and fork. They're often an afternoon pick-me-up, served hot from from the toaster with butter and jam. In fact, prepackaged crumpets are slightly under-cooked with the assumption of toaster heat to finish the baking process. Try 'em sometime. You may like 'em.                                     

                                  

   
  

Quito Chapter 6. Miss Wanda Villain

     Page Two Hundred Thirty.
     Everybody rushed to answer the door when the chimes rang. (It's always fun to answer the door when the bell rings 'cause you always hope it'll be a surprise for you. It's like in the movie The Music Man when all the town's folk are singing about The Wells Fargo Wagon, hoping it'll be bringing something wonderful for each of them.) When Jordan opened the over-sized, creamy white, French style, front doors, they all saw a very attractive and smiling collie. She was darker than TV's Lassie, but very beautiful. She was carrying a small, charming, suede, purple purse; wearing a fetching purple wool felt pillbox hat with a little silk veil covering her eyes and snout; had tasteful but noticeable ruby drop earrings and had multiple ruby bangle bracelets about her front two furry legs.She was also wearing the most extraordinary perfume. She smelled like a giant bouquet of yellow roses.
     "Hello everybody. May I please speak with Quito", she barked while looking around at all the children and Quito. Her bark was graceful and refined.
     "I'm Quito", he arfed in response.
     "Quito, my name is Wanda Villain and  you don't know me but I know you and I'd like to offer you a job. May I please come in and sit down?
     Quito and all the kids looked at each other nervously but with curiosity also. Their expressions to each other were all saying, "what's going on?" But they were polite enough to know that when guests arrive at your door, you always invite them in and offer them food and drink regardless of the circumstances. They all walked Wanda to the parlor, smelling and sniffing her along the way as her perfume really smelled that lovely. Jordan placed a Michael Jackson record on the Victrola and immediately Thriller began playing. They then offered the new doggie some hot, fresh Earl Gray tea which Jackson had just steeped and placed some very thin orange slices into. And to go with the tea and music, there was a plate of toasted, light golden brown crumpets with butter and lemon curd. Wanda clearly loved the crumpets with butter and lemon curd as she delicately gobbled up 7 of them. 
     "Miss Villain, how do you know me?"
     "A little birdie told me about you. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to sound evasive but you see, I'm acquainted with a family of  Hummingbirds who live outside of my bedroom window and apparently the Tellabirdie Phone System is up and working great. I had know idea that all birds, the entire globe over, are always telling each other all the news of the world. Birds are surprisingly well-informed people and what's more, they have no discretion. They'll tell anybody anything. Actually, they have really big mouths, in spite of the fact that they have really tiny mouths. So a couple of days ago I was talking with Eggbert, that's the father hummingbird, and your name and location happened to come up. You see, I told him that I needed a strong person to appear in my company's commercials and Eggbert told me of your cold-fusion powers. So, I'd like to hire you to be my spokesdog for a new line of extra-sweet and extra-sugary cereals that my company's developing. If I can have somebody like you illustrate how someone can get strong and powerful by eating tons of sugar, then all the kids will buy it and we'll all be rich, rich rich." At that last part, Wanda seemed particularly eager.
     Quito was stunned at first, then he became angry, very angry indeed. His black and white fur actually turned red with fury. He just couldn't believe what he was hearing and he wasn't sure what to be more concerned and upset about, Miss Villain's idea or the fact that all the little birdies in the world knew about his super-powers. He wasn't embarrassed by them or anything, he just didn't think it should be common knowledge. First of all, he virtually never used his powers in the first place, so he had no idea how the birds knew about them. Secondly, he didn't think he'd like the idea of taking the kids to, say, Cedar Point and having some old lady walk up to him and request, "What am I thinking now?" But he also thought that her idea of having him act as a role model for her sugary cereal was gruesome and grotesque.
     "Miss Villain, I think your idea is gruesome and grotesque. And you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking of such a thing. With your money and power, you have so much opportunity to help kids. Why would you want to hurt them like this? You know that those cereals just make kids fat and yucky. How dare you hurt the world's children."
     "WELL I NEVER!!! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE INSULTING ME LIKE THAT?" Now Wanda was the one who was miffed. "I came here this morning to offer you a job and now you're insulting me? I don't need or deserve this type of treatment." With that, Miss Villain, got up from the lime green French Provincial style sofa, reached to the authentic, priceless, million dollar, 350 year old, antique, gilded, Louis XIV coffee table which was in front of her, hurriedly wrapped a couple of crumpets with lemon curd in a napkin, put them in her charming, suede, purple purse and walked to the over-sized, creamy white, French style front doors, opened, exited and slammed them in a loud huff.
     The kids and Quito just sat, all their jaws dropping almost to the floor and were speechless. After a moment, William was the first to say anything. "Like, far out, Dudes."
     Then Thomas said, "From the likes of things, I think we shan't anticipate seeing her fury paws again anytime soonish."
     Jackson and Wanda both chimed in with similar thoughts.
     Lastly, Quito barked, "Is that lady off her rocker?" They all talked for a few minutes about how crazy they thought Wanda's idea was. But then they heard some barking coming from outside.
     "You haven't heard the last of me, Quito." Everybody inside the home then rushed to the window just in time to see Wanda get into her 1932 Duesenberg automobile and drive away. 
     "Yup. That lady's nuts", woofed Quito.
Continued next week... Chapter 7. The Fireworks Begin.