King Arthur's Onion Rings

     Page One Hundred-Fifty.
     I don't remember if I've mentioned yet in this blog, but I have some pen-pals. Do young people even have those anymore? The only reason I do is because I'm as old as the hills. What with Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and all the other forms of social media, who knows if "strangers" even exist anymore for the under twenty set. But no matter. Let me tell you about one of my pen-pals.
     His name is Arthur and he's the king of England. He's a nice enough guy except he's always in one battle or another. Frankly, I think he has self-destructive tendencies, but what do I know? I don't have a Doctorate in psychology or anything like that. He has a great army support staff, though. The Chairman of his Joint Chiefs of Staff is some dude named Lancelot. Apparently, Lance is very good in battle. But, unfortunately, he has a thing for Art's wife, Gwen. And... wait... you know what? This blog isn't supposed to be about royal gossip. I'm really getting off track here.
     The reason I bring up King Arthur Is because he knows that I enjoy cooking. He enjoys cooking also. So occasionally we exchange kitchen secrets. Let me tell you one that he told me about a very long time ago. (Gosh, I think he included this trick in a letter he wrote me in the 8th or 9th centuries. We've been pen-pals a very long time.)
     Do you enjoy fresh, crispy onion rings? Here's the best way to get those. Simply make a happy-happy beer batter. Now, according to Arthur, there are about as many beer batters out there as there are scary, fire-breathing dragons. All these different recipes meet the different tastes of various consumers.
     Your ultra-basic recipe is one part beer to one part flour. Nothing more, nothing less. So for an average family meal, mix one 12 ounce bottle of beer with 1 & 1/2 cups of flour, then leave batter on counter for three hours. Meanwhile cut up a couple of large sweet onions into thin rounds, between 1/4-1/2 inch widths. Separate the rounds and dunk them into the batter, then fry up. This batter makes a paper thin, super-crispy coating on your little bits of oniony heaven.
     Incidentally, no salt is added to the basic recipe because beer is inherently very salty. That's why drinking beer sets up a craving for more beer. Most people don't realize this. Salt makes you thirsty, so drinking beer is like drinking salt water. But, many recipes do add salt. If you really enjoy salt add it or not as you like.  
     If you like your rings with a heavier, thicker coating, then double the flour. Two cups flour to one cup of beer. Salt or not. Three hours or so. Cut, coat, fry, eat, yum.
     Now you can start playing with your food too. For a thick, bready dough, add one egg to your recipe. Or even two eggs if you so desire. This will get you closer to a hearty Tempura chew and farther from a crispy onion wrapped in paper sort of thing. You can even skip the egg whites and just go full force into two egg yolks for an even creamier batter.
     Along the way of all these recipes are pepper and paprika of course, added as you like.If you really want to live on the edge, add a few grains of hot cayenne pepper or a touch of sugar or some garlic powder or, why the possibilities are endless! At least according to Arthur.
     So there you are. King Arthur's onion ring batter and it's variations. To be made with the next batch of BBQ Beef. Have I told that story yet? I can't remember.

The Trick To Great Pound Cake

     Page Sixty-Nine.
     I was at Valley Forge as the Revolution seemed to be decaying. George Washington was telling me his problems and wasn't certain that the ragtag group of soldiers could withstand the British onslaught. It really was bitterly cold and we were all desperately hungry.
     What angel should appear in the shadows of night bringing us desperately needed food? None other than Julie Andrews. She'd been with some of the folks who'd been cooking for us. Nobody had much food, but everybody shared what they had. Their care packages were tremendously appreciated and delicious, too.
     Actually, there was so much food, we really had a feast. Here are some of the items that stick in my memory: King Arthur contributed more than enough escargot for everybody in the camp; Heathcliff and Cathy prepared peanut butter and jelly sandwiches; Little Lord Fauntleroy made a fantastic jello mold; and Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger made spaghetti and meatballs. But I have to tell you that the prize really went to Winston Churchill who made the best pound cake I've ever had in my life. It was soooo smooth and soft. Of course it was dense and heavy as it should have been, but it was still melt in your mouth delicate. I've never had anything like it.
     He told me his secret: when you sift the ingredients, you have to sift three times. That's it. There's something about the multiple siftings that make a light but still dense cake. So that's it. Who'd ever think that I'd learn such a simple trick in the middle of such a horrible situation. I guess I never know when or how I'll learn valuable life lessons.