A Hindu Beef-Eater

     Page One hundred Eighty-Six.
     My Indian roommate has changed his tune. I've mentioned before that he will eat beef. Well, it turns out that he's only eaten beef once before in his life. That was a hamburger in London's Heathrow airport on his way to America last December. While eating that burger, Raja couldn't figure out what all the fuss was about. It was dry, dull and dead. He made up his mind right then and there that beef was a Western mystery which would confuse him for the rest of his life.
     When he told me this story, I said, "well, no wonder? It was an airport burger." I proceeded to explain airport food in general and specifically: quality (or lack of), freshness (or lack of) juiciness (or lack of) and flavor (or lack of). He sort of gave me the benefit of the doubt, but not entirely.
     Last weekend, for the Superbowl, I made boatloads of food, including BBQ Beef. I told him that BBQ Beef is a rather typical Superbowl food and great quantities of it would be consumed that evening. Raja admitted that it did look good in the pot; and after the first bite he was hooked. He enjoyed it very much. I think he's interested in trying a steak now.
     I hate to be someone who corrupts somebody away from their religious dietary restrictions, but he clearly wasn't very religious in the first place and he told me so. So it's not entirely my fault.
     Incidentally, one of the best burgers I've ever had in my life was at JFK in New York City. It was the summer of 1989 and I was returning home from summer school in Israel. I'd been there for 8 weeks and their beef sucked the big one. At least the beef that I had was gruesome. It was just awful. I don't know if things have changed, but at the time, Israel's beef had a justifiably terrible reputation. You want some wonderful fresh veggies? Israel's your place. Just don't order the beef. And on top of that, you simply cannot get a cheeseburger in Israel for religious dietary restrictions. (No dairy product may be consumed with any animal flesh according to the Torah.) So I was seriously craving a really greasy, gooey cheeseburger by the time I left that country which has other strengths, just not beef.
     During my lay-over in JFK I disembarked from the plane, walked over to the nearest burger stand and placed my order. I watched them make it. My mouth was moistening like a leaky Hoover Dam. I  sat down and inhaled that thing. It was glorious. It was much greater proof of God than any Torah study class I'd attended in my ancestor's homeland, of which there were many. (After arriving in Jerusalem, as an after thought, I enrolled in Torah study classes at Aish Ha'Torah, a very famous yeshivah or seminary with world-wide satellite campuses.) That burger was glorious.
    

King Arthur's Onion Rings

     Page One Hundred-Fifty.
     I don't remember if I've mentioned yet in this blog, but I have some pen-pals. Do young people even have those anymore? The only reason I do is because I'm as old as the hills. What with Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and all the other forms of social media, who knows if "strangers" even exist anymore for the under twenty set. But no matter. Let me tell you about one of my pen-pals.
     His name is Arthur and he's the king of England. He's a nice enough guy except he's always in one battle or another. Frankly, I think he has self-destructive tendencies, but what do I know? I don't have a Doctorate in psychology or anything like that. He has a great army support staff, though. The Chairman of his Joint Chiefs of Staff is some dude named Lancelot. Apparently, Lance is very good in battle. But, unfortunately, he has a thing for Art's wife, Gwen. And... wait... you know what? This blog isn't supposed to be about royal gossip. I'm really getting off track here.
     The reason I bring up King Arthur Is because he knows that I enjoy cooking. He enjoys cooking also. So occasionally we exchange kitchen secrets. Let me tell you one that he told me about a very long time ago. (Gosh, I think he included this trick in a letter he wrote me in the 8th or 9th centuries. We've been pen-pals a very long time.)
     Do you enjoy fresh, crispy onion rings? Here's the best way to get those. Simply make a happy-happy beer batter. Now, according to Arthur, there are about as many beer batters out there as there are scary, fire-breathing dragons. All these different recipes meet the different tastes of various consumers.
     Your ultra-basic recipe is one part beer to one part flour. Nothing more, nothing less. So for an average family meal, mix one 12 ounce bottle of beer with 1 & 1/2 cups of flour, then leave batter on counter for three hours. Meanwhile cut up a couple of large sweet onions into thin rounds, between 1/4-1/2 inch widths. Separate the rounds and dunk them into the batter, then fry up. This batter makes a paper thin, super-crispy coating on your little bits of oniony heaven.
     Incidentally, no salt is added to the basic recipe because beer is inherently very salty. That's why drinking beer sets up a craving for more beer. Most people don't realize this. Salt makes you thirsty, so drinking beer is like drinking salt water. But, many recipes do add salt. If you really enjoy salt add it or not as you like.  
     If you like your rings with a heavier, thicker coating, then double the flour. Two cups flour to one cup of beer. Salt or not. Three hours or so. Cut, coat, fry, eat, yum.
     Now you can start playing with your food too. For a thick, bready dough, add one egg to your recipe. Or even two eggs if you so desire. This will get you closer to a hearty Tempura chew and farther from a crispy onion wrapped in paper sort of thing. You can even skip the egg whites and just go full force into two egg yolks for an even creamier batter.
     Along the way of all these recipes are pepper and paprika of course, added as you like.If you really want to live on the edge, add a few grains of hot cayenne pepper or a touch of sugar or some garlic powder or, why the possibilities are endless! At least according to Arthur.
     So there you are. King Arthur's onion ring batter and it's variations. To be made with the next batch of BBQ Beef. Have I told that story yet? I can't remember.