Neighbors - A Movie Review

     Page Two Hundred Thirty-Six.
     I recently went to see the movie, Neighbors. Boy was I disappointed. It got a 76 on Rotten Tomatoes and according to the reviews I though for sure that it would make me laugh hysterically. It didn't.
     First off, let me say that it's very easy to make me laugh. The only things which are difficult for me to sit through are stupid or dumb humor (Green Acres, Gomer Pyle USMC) or humor based in miscommunication or misunderstanding (Three's Company). Otherwise, I thought that I could sit through any comedy and enjoy it. Now, at this stage in life, I'm discovering a third genre of comedy which grates on my nerves: vengeance, revenge or spite based comedy. Guess what? The plot of the movie Neighbors is based completely on this highly unattractive human emotion. There were some funny concepts, don't get me wrong, but I kept waiting for the hysteria to start and it never did. Too bad. And I like Seth Rogen and Zack Efron too. I give this move a 3/10.  

Old Friends

     Page Two Hundred Thirty-Five.
     I really enjoy seeing old friends. Blacky was my best college-era friend but we've mostly lost touch over the years. We talked a few years ago after I ran into his sister and she gave me his phone number. I knew he was living in Florida with his wife and 3 kids and that he's doing well. I'd been thinking about him a few weeks ago and went to call him again but couldn't locate the number. By coincidence, I ran into his parents a couple of days ago at the museum. (His mom recognized me before I recognized her. How embarrassing.) They gave me his number again. I hope this one doesn't get lost.
     Then, I recently received a phone call from another college-era friend, Michelle, who said that she and her husband, Mark were coming into town and wanted to get together. We had dinner together last night. It really is great to see people whom I have such and old history with.
     Michelle and Mark are both anesthesiologists who've had to take very early retirement due to the fact that they're both sick physically. They're in their mid-40's and will very likely never be able to work again. Can you believe that? I feel terrible for them. They won't have any financial problems as they've stashed and saved and lived beneath their means for the duration of their respective careers, and also they have no kids. But they're quite limited as to what they can or can't do with their copious levels of free time. Their illnesses restrict their activities tremendously. They'll also relocate to Vancouver from Las Vegas due to the excessive heat, which she can no longer tolerate. They'll likely live averaged length lives, but doing what for the next 30-35 years? 
     When I phone Blacky he'll probably be himself. He's always the same and I know that. Also, if there was any really big news about him or his family, his mom would have told me.
     Funny story about my relationship with Blacky... I'm the person who told him that he was going to be a father the first time. True story.
     It must've been around 1990 or '91 and we'd been friends for 5, 6 or 7 years. I was the staff hairdresser at a local adolescent drug treatment center and by chance he was a counselor there. I was also very good friends with his girlfriend, Maggie, whom I'd met through him. The three of us went out on a Monday night and she told me that she was late and they thought she might be pregnant but weren't sure. So, that Wednesday I came home from school to find a message on my answering machine. "I am", she sobbed. She wasn't sad just nervous. I didn't have time to return her phone call as I was rushing to the treatment center to do hair.
     As I walked into the center, Blacky walked past me and I said, "congratulations". He smiled, said, "thanks", and walked on about his way. I gave a few haircuts and when I was done, went looking for my buddy. I found him sitting, eating dinner. I got some food also, sat down and asked him "what's the plan, now?"
     "What are you talking about?"
     "The baby."
     "What baby?"
     "Maggie's pregnant with your baby."
     "WHAT?!?!"
     "You haven't spoken with her?"
     "No. I've been in meetings all day. I saw she called me a bunch of times, but I haven't had the time to call her back."
     "Well, she called to tell you she was pregnant. Why did you think I said congratulations when I first walked in?"
     "I just figure you were being weird, as usual."
     "I wasn't being weird. I was congratulating you on being a father next spring."
     "Oh. Well, thanks."
     "Oh my God. You're such an idiot."
     Completely true story, I promise. I don't know if he remembers that I'm the one who told him the big news, but with the Lord as my witness, that is how it happened. They got married a few months later. I was one of the groomsmen and walked down the aisle with his sister whom I adored. Some years later he told me that I should've been his best man. That was a very nice thing to say, but I didn't question the fact that Steve was his best man as they'd been very close since kindergarten.
    They're in their upper 40's now, have been married for over 20 years and have the 3 kids. I think they're still very happy, if maybe a touch bored as they've been together since the 7th grade.
     I'm looking forward to getting caught up with him.

Quito. Chapter 7. The Fireworks Begin.

     Page Two Hundred Thirty-Four.
     It was all the five of them could do all that day was talk about the nut-job which was Miss Wanda Villain. "I think she's a real narcissist", declared Jordan at approximately 11.42 & 77 seconds that night. "And those bracelets. They were too flashy and there were far too many for my taste."
     "I don't think she was wearing too many bracelets. But it may have looked better if she'd gone with just one large, heavy bangle on only one leg", responded Jackson. "Sometimes less is more."
     "Will you two please talk about the bigger problem here?" Arfed Quito. Honestly, the way you both are always talking fashion, I'd think I was working in the offices of Vogue Magazine."
     Just that second, the song Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy by the Andrews Sisters came on the radio and they all loved it so much they started singing and dancing. In fact, they looked a little bit like the kids dancing around in the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. Then when that song ended, they hit the jackpot: Glenn Miller's In The Mood came on, followed by Don't Fear The Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult and then the radio DJ played the ENTIRE soundtrack from Grease. Thomas popped some popcorn, poured on the melted, hot butter and sprinkled it with freshly grated Parmesan cheese, paprika, sea salt and just a touch of sugar. Then Quito made cranberry cream spritzers with cranberry juice and cream soda. It was real party. The weight of the day was melting off everybody's shoulders.
     POW! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!! BAM!!! Suddenly, there was such a clatter of light and sound outside, you would've thought that every tree within 100 feet had fallen over, and pulled down every electrical line with it. They rushed to the front picture window, pushed aside the red, satin drapes and the golden sheer curtains and peered out. They saw Independence Day style fireworks going off on their front lawn. There were enormous, glittery, red flowers in the sky. There were twinkling, yellow sparkles flashing and falling to the ground. There were dazzling, bright, green and blue bursts of glossy buds blooming over their house. And there was the husky, dusty gray smell of smoky gunpowder.
     "WHAT IN THE...?!?!", exclaimed William in the loudest voice he could muster at this late hour.
     "Get used to it you kids and Quito", woofed a voice they'd heard earlier that day.
Continued next week... Chapter 8. Miss Villain's First Form Of Revenge.

A New Job

     Page Two Hundred Thirty-Three.
     I have a new job. Yeah! I'll be working part time in the Cleveland Museum of Art gift shop. In the words of one close friend, "this is a no-brainer". I'm looking forward to it. This job, in conjunction with managing the beauty salon, plus all the other things I do for kicks should bring my bank account off life support systems. I recently told a friend that I don't mind living at the Cleveland, Ohio poverty level, but I'm uncomfortable living at the Afghanistan poverty level.
     After my job unexpectedly ended last June (2013) nannying and cooking for the large family in Shaker, I got a few nibbles here and there. There was the job cooking for the kid and lots of odd jobs like interior painting, selling soup at festivals and what have you. And of course there's my thriving dog/cat/house-sitting business. But really, I need a more regular paycheck. I'm hopeful.

Cher, Live In Concert

     Page Two Hundred Thirty-Two.
     I saw Cher in concert recently. It was a memorable evening for a variety of reasons. I've written
previously that Cleveland's Playhouse Square was getting ready for a massive grand redesign with new signs, marquees, archways and lighting. A fireworks-festooned grand unveiling was to take place on Friday evening May 2nd, the same night as Cher's concert at Quicken Loans Arena. Also, the Indians were playing at Progressive Field simultaneously. All three events occurred within 1/2 mile of each other. All day long, local radio and TV was urging people to have multiple contingency plans for driving routes and parking. Brother, they weren't kidding.
     I remember downtown Cleveland in the '80's and '90's. It was a barren wasteland of old, decrepit, rundown buildings and lots of available parking. Those days are long ago. Now, all those buildings have been renovated and turned into upscale housing, offices, restaurants, stores and who knows what else? Subsequently, there's no longer a surplus of parking, darn it. (In the '80's and '90's I used to go dancing, often, at the few but fantastic bars which were down there.) Friday night's traffic and parking problems reminded me of Manhattan. It was incredible. It really felt like I was driving to Madison Square Garden to see her. But knowing downtown as I do and being assertive as I am, I did find a decent spot and while walking to the arena, took a long-cut through Playhouse Square during that party. The new decor really is cool.
     Now about Cher, She's Cher. What more can I say? Who knows if this really will be her final tour
so I just wanted to see her in concert, just this once. There was incredible staging, sets, costumes and so forth. However, she was a little distant and remote for my taste, but that's her reputation. Her opening act was Cyndi Lauper who was just the opposite, very warm and open in spite of no sets or costumes to speak of. If judged separately, Cyndi gets 8/10 and Cher gets 8/10 for completely different reasons. Don't ever miss either one of them in concert if given the opportunity. 

What Are Tea And Crumpets?

     Page Two Hundred Thirty-One.
     We occasionally hear the phrase "tea and crumpets". But what does it mean exactly? Well, tea is tea. No explanation needed there. Crumpets, a traditional British isles item, are not as well known in America.
     Imagine extra-thick pancakes which aren't as wide across as those you get when you go out for breakfast; there you have crumpets. They also have many holes and bubbles, similar to an English muffin. But they're not dry like those delicacies. Instead they're quite moist and spongy. Speaking of muffins, crumpets are typically eaten as a muffin, not a breakfast food with knife and fork. They're often an afternoon pick-me-up, served hot from from the toaster with butter and jam. In fact, prepackaged crumpets are slightly under-cooked with the assumption of toaster heat to finish the baking process. Try 'em sometime. You may like 'em.                                     

                                  

   
  

Quito Chapter 6. Miss Wanda Villain

     Page Two Hundred Thirty.
     Everybody rushed to answer the door when the chimes rang. (It's always fun to answer the door when the bell rings 'cause you always hope it'll be a surprise for you. It's like in the movie The Music Man when all the town's folk are singing about The Wells Fargo Wagon, hoping it'll be bringing something wonderful for each of them.) When Jordan opened the over-sized, creamy white, French style, front doors, they all saw a very attractive and smiling collie. She was darker than TV's Lassie, but very beautiful. She was carrying a small, charming, suede, purple purse; wearing a fetching purple wool felt pillbox hat with a little silk veil covering her eyes and snout; had tasteful but noticeable ruby drop earrings and had multiple ruby bangle bracelets about her front two furry legs.She was also wearing the most extraordinary perfume. She smelled like a giant bouquet of yellow roses.
     "Hello everybody. May I please speak with Quito", she barked while looking around at all the children and Quito. Her bark was graceful and refined.
     "I'm Quito", he arfed in response.
     "Quito, my name is Wanda Villain and  you don't know me but I know you and I'd like to offer you a job. May I please come in and sit down?
     Quito and all the kids looked at each other nervously but with curiosity also. Their expressions to each other were all saying, "what's going on?" But they were polite enough to know that when guests arrive at your door, you always invite them in and offer them food and drink regardless of the circumstances. They all walked Wanda to the parlor, smelling and sniffing her along the way as her perfume really smelled that lovely. Jordan placed a Michael Jackson record on the Victrola and immediately Thriller began playing. They then offered the new doggie some hot, fresh Earl Gray tea which Jackson had just steeped and placed some very thin orange slices into. And to go with the tea and music, there was a plate of toasted, light golden brown crumpets with butter and lemon curd. Wanda clearly loved the crumpets with butter and lemon curd as she delicately gobbled up 7 of them. 
     "Miss Villain, how do you know me?"
     "A little birdie told me about you. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to sound evasive but you see, I'm acquainted with a family of  Hummingbirds who live outside of my bedroom window and apparently the Tellabirdie Phone System is up and working great. I had know idea that all birds, the entire globe over, are always telling each other all the news of the world. Birds are surprisingly well-informed people and what's more, they have no discretion. They'll tell anybody anything. Actually, they have really big mouths, in spite of the fact that they have really tiny mouths. So a couple of days ago I was talking with Eggbert, that's the father hummingbird, and your name and location happened to come up. You see, I told him that I needed a strong person to appear in my company's commercials and Eggbert told me of your cold-fusion powers. So, I'd like to hire you to be my spokesdog for a new line of extra-sweet and extra-sugary cereals that my company's developing. If I can have somebody like you illustrate how someone can get strong and powerful by eating tons of sugar, then all the kids will buy it and we'll all be rich, rich rich." At that last part, Wanda seemed particularly eager.
     Quito was stunned at first, then he became angry, very angry indeed. His black and white fur actually turned red with fury. He just couldn't believe what he was hearing and he wasn't sure what to be more concerned and upset about, Miss Villain's idea or the fact that all the little birdies in the world knew about his super-powers. He wasn't embarrassed by them or anything, he just didn't think it should be common knowledge. First of all, he virtually never used his powers in the first place, so he had no idea how the birds knew about them. Secondly, he didn't think he'd like the idea of taking the kids to, say, Cedar Point and having some old lady walk up to him and request, "What am I thinking now?" But he also thought that her idea of having him act as a role model for her sugary cereal was gruesome and grotesque.
     "Miss Villain, I think your idea is gruesome and grotesque. And you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking of such a thing. With your money and power, you have so much opportunity to help kids. Why would you want to hurt them like this? You know that those cereals just make kids fat and yucky. How dare you hurt the world's children."
     "WELL I NEVER!!! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE INSULTING ME LIKE THAT?" Now Wanda was the one who was miffed. "I came here this morning to offer you a job and now you're insulting me? I don't need or deserve this type of treatment." With that, Miss Villain, got up from the lime green French Provincial style sofa, reached to the authentic, priceless, million dollar, 350 year old, antique, gilded, Louis XIV coffee table which was in front of her, hurriedly wrapped a couple of crumpets with lemon curd in a napkin, put them in her charming, suede, purple purse and walked to the over-sized, creamy white, French style front doors, opened, exited and slammed them in a loud huff.
     The kids and Quito just sat, all their jaws dropping almost to the floor and were speechless. After a moment, William was the first to say anything. "Like, far out, Dudes."
     Then Thomas said, "From the likes of things, I think we shan't anticipate seeing her fury paws again anytime soonish."
     Jackson and Wanda both chimed in with similar thoughts.
     Lastly, Quito barked, "Is that lady off her rocker?" They all talked for a few minutes about how crazy they thought Wanda's idea was. But then they heard some barking coming from outside.
     "You haven't heard the last of me, Quito." Everybody inside the home then rushed to the window just in time to see Wanda get into her 1932 Duesenberg automobile and drive away. 
     "Yup. That lady's nuts", woofed Quito.
Continued next week... Chapter 7. The Fireworks Begin.