Godzilla - A Movie Review

     Page Two Hundred Forty-One.

     I LOVE monster movies. Godzilla's got to be the coolest Earth-based monster in history. I mean, a 60,000,000 year old dino who doesn't look a day over 40? He must have a great plastic surgeon.
     I recently watched a DVD of a version of Godzilla, but not named Godzilla. It was called, "The Giant Behemoth". It was a British movie from '56 and it really wasn't half bad, though clearly a rip-off of the G. myth. (I'd give that movie a 6/10 for what it's worth. It had some intelligence, plot development and sympathetic special effects.)
     Dinosaur movies pre-date G. but he really put them on the map. In fact, dino movies go way back to silent film. But what's distinctive of Godzilla era movies, is that they bring the dino into the present day and world. Prior to the '50's, dinos lived in their own context. Humans were the ones to invade their world; such as you find in 1933's King Kong or 1925's The Lost World. (I fully realize that both of those examples illustrate a contemporary world, but the dino's world is isolated and self-contained none-the-less.) Godzilla changed all that and with such a wonderful device: nuclear power. And it makes sense that Japan invented this now ubiquitous plot point, being Earth's only true-life recipient of atomic warfare. So really, any solo dinosaur run-a-muck flick made since the mid '50's is simply a retelling of a now familiar story, with little deviation from established story lines. The question then becomes: how well was it executed?
     I'd heard that the new Godzilla movie has some originality in that you really get a closer glimpse of the victims. That's true. Also the effects really are stunning and brother do you see some cities get destroyed or what? Tokyo, Honolulu, Las Vegas and San Francisco get demolished, just flattened. That's cool. The story is vaguely plausible though there were some plot points I didn't quite get, but really, I don't need to. It's Godzilla for crying out loud...
     So I'll ignore the fact that this Godzilla seems to be the largest dino-dude in movie history. Which brings up a problem that only science geeks, like myself, care about. Gravity. No moving creature that size could actually move about on land because earth's gravitational force would be so extreme he'd simply not be able to lift himself. And/or if he could get up his legs would get crushed, literally under his weight. A dinosaur's design simply prevents him from getting that size.
     Tyrannosaurus Rex was 40 feet long and 13 feet high at the hips. Apatosaurus (Brontosaurus) was 70-90 feet log and 15 feet high at the hips. In this new movie G. seems like he's a few hundred feet long and 60-70-80 feet high at he hips. It's impossible to get that big with Earth's gravity being what it is. This is also why spiders can't get as big as they sometimes are shown in scary spider movies. Their design prevents them from getting larger than a common tarantula. They would collapse if they got to the size of, say, a 3 month old kitten. Their legs would be crushed by their body's weight. But really, nobody cares about things like gravity. Oh, well.
     Godzilla's rating: 7/10.  

Quito. Chaper 2. Quito The Astropup

     Page Two Hundred-Eleven.
     So the next morning, Quito woke up to the hypnotic, white noise of cold water running, as usual. He knew that almost every night little Thomas awoke and had to go tinkle. But the not really too old toilet needed a plumber because the water always continued running unless you lightly jiggled the chrome plated handle after flushing away the yellow. So Quito was forever waking up and first thing walking into the bathroom and jiggling said knob. Well, this morning when he took his first steps he went bouncing practically all the way up to his light blue bedroom ceiling, which as this was Shaker Heights, was 12 feet high. It was as if he were walking on the moon and there was less gravity than here on Earth.
     "WHAT IN THE WORLD?!?!", he arfed to himself. He somehow made his way to the boy's bathroom with it's chartreuse glass cloth covered walls, but not without great effort. His movements actually looked more like a doggy swimming in a palm-encrusted Hawaiian pond than a normal canine walking to go fix a plumbing problem. And when he went to jiggle the shiny lever, he jiggled it right off the peacock-colored water tank and also cracked that same peacock-colored water tank. Subsequently, the tank proceeded to fall off the copper pipe it was sitting on and it, along with the cloisonne portrait of Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow which was sitting on it as decoration, went crashing to the floor breaking into a zillion pieces. Then, there was water gushing everywhere from that same copper water pipe. As Quito and bathroom got soaking wet he felt like he weighed a ton. Then he realized that he simply felt back to normal, like yesterday, prior to the pralines and cream gelato fireball.
     He was really concerned, as you can imagine. He was quickly able to turn off the water which was so cold it was like the water that the Titanic sunk in. He then took some old yellow towels down from the linen closet and cleaned everything up. But he was freaking out, trying to figure out what had happened. After he dried out the bathroom and put the towels in the beautiful, shiny, new, royal blue Maytag drier he went to borrow a hair dryer from the next door neighbors so he could dry himself off. (Nobody in his house used a hair dryer, so there wasn't one around.)
     His neighbors, 3 brothers who were all zany professors, lived in a large and beautiful, putty-colored, wood shingled, center hall colonial. They'd spent years renovating the home. But as they were all a bit nuts, every time they finished a project they put their tools and leftover supplies in the basement without organizing it. You cannot believe how disastrously their cellar was crammed full of old tools, sawdust, paint cans, wooden remnants, and even Noah's Ark which they happened to find on a long-ago trip to Turkey and had shipped home. The basement was gossiped about by the neighbors as much as the brothers. And that was a lot.
     Judd was an astrophysicist; Nathanael was a biochemist and Zachary was a nuclear physicist. They were very eccentric but very pleasant retired gentleman who'd won 27 Nobel prizes between them and they chose to live together to save a few bucks. They were quite fond of their neighbors, particularly Quito and his family of humans, and always fed them whenever they cooked too much. Thankfully, they were home, watching Deputy Dawg, when Quito went over.
     A while later... "Wait. Tell me the story again", asked Nathanael with a quizzical mix of astonishment and true lack of understanding because he was particularly daffy and somewhat hard of hearing. (Also they'd turned off Deputy Dawg because it's rude to watch television while company is over. But instead they put the soundtrack to Ghostbusters on the Victrola. And it was a little bit too loud.) So Quito related a second time the events of the morning. And, he gradually began drying off, but without realizing it. So 3 brothers continued listening intensely while eating their Curried chicken over white steamed rice which is quite an unusual breakfast but they had it left over from the night before.
     "Tell me about your day yesterday", asked Zachary in between bites.
     "It was normal except for the fireball which fell from the sky and almost burned me", replied Quito. "Otherwise, it was a perfectly average day."
     "Was it a fireball the approximate size and shape of a scoop of pralines and cream gelato?", asked
Nathanael?
     "Yeah."
     "Afterwards, did you get a taste for homemade Hamburger Helper?", inquired Judd.
     "Yup."
     The three brothers looked at each other back and forth for a long moment. Then they all looked at Quito. Their expressions were understanding, joy, intensity, concern and anticipation all tossed into a Godiva chocolate gold gift bag, shaken up and then poured out into a Victorian, cut glass, candy dish.
     "Quito, are you completely dry now?", asked one brother.
     "Yeah. I think so", he replied while coincidentally reaching around and scratching his back.
     "Okay", said Judd. "Now what I want you to do is concentrate on flight and lean back onto your hind legs and then push off and fly around the room, steering with your ears. But please don't hit the chandelier because we just had it cleaned. And cleaning a chandelier is a major household project"
     Quito looked at Judd like he was a crazy nut (which, again, he was). But Quito thought, "what the hey?".  And the next thing he knew, he was flying around and he did hit the chandelier which made quite a loud clatter.
     "GOLLY WHIZBANG! THAT WAS COOLER THAN BEES KNEES!", Quito woofed loudly while smiling from ear to ear. The three brothers looked at him admiringly. Zachary said, "Quito, you're now a cold-fusion powered puppy. You're a real life astro-pup. And that's just the beginning."
     To be continued next week... Chapter 3: That's not all.